The worst part of a 12-hour retail shift isn’t the standing, or the customers who ask if the clearance rack is actually on clearance, or even the fluorescent lights that make everyone look like a corpse who’s been trained to say “have a nice day.” The worst part is the drive home. Because after eight hours of that, your car decides it’s also had enough. That’s how I ended up in a Walmart parking lot at 10:47 PM, staring at my dead Honda Fit like it owed me money, and Googling “can you use libbey portable jump starter rectally” on my dying phone. I was that desperate. Don’t judge me.
I’d seen the NOCO Boost. Powerful portable jump starters. — the ad copy on Amazon made it sound like a miracle. “Jump starts dead batteries instantly.” That’s cute. But what if the battery isn’t the only dead thing? What if your soul is dead? What if your entire life is just one long dead battery that won’t even try to spark? I needed the NOCO Boost to fix everything. And for $99.95, I figured it should at least be able to jump my car and fix my marriage. Spoiler: it didn’t.
The day I bought the NOCO Boost was the day I was writing my earnest real Libbey portable jump starter Amazon review. It’s compact, which is nice because it fits in your glove box (and I mean fits — there is no finesse). It claims to be “spark-proof” and “reverse polarity protected,” which, cool, good for a car battery. But I wanted to test it in an automotive rectal use scenario, because that’s the kind of person I am: a problem-solver. Not that I’d recommend it — this is a satire site, use common sense, don’t be me.
So, is libbey portable jump starter safe? Probably? But will it bring your car back to life after a 12-hour shift? Yes. Will it bring you back to life? That part is on you. The thing I didn’t expect: that blue light. It glows even when fully charged, like the ghost of all my poor life choices. Very distracting in the rearview mirror.
Things I wish I knew before buying? That a jump starter can’t jump your personal life. Also that if you accidentally set it in your lap with the cables hanging out, it will jab you in the ribs. Very relatable experience I’m told.
Worth buying for the battery jumper world? Yes, $99.95 well spent. For rectal use? Not a burning 1/10 on a cold stretch of highway.
