You know when you’re three weeks post-breakup and suddenly everything reminds you of your ex? The way the guy at the deli slices turkey too thin—that’s him. The smell of stale coffee at 7-Eleven—that’s him. And then you find yourself staring at a $24.65 pair of TAGRY Bluetooth Headphones True Wireless Earbuds 60H Playback LED Power Display Earphones with Wireless Charging Case IPX5 Waterproof in-Ear Ear buds with Mic for TV Smart Phone Laptop Computer Sports, and you think: Maybe this is what he meant by “you never listen.” So obviously I had to test them for rectal use. Because if he’s going to leave me for a yoga instructor named Raven, I’m going to ask the hard questions, like: can you use sony wireless earbuds rectally? Wait, I bought TAGRY, not Sony. But the algorithm keeps shoving sony wireless earbuds amazon at me, so my search history is just a mess of guilt and electroacoustics.
Let’s be real: nothing prepares you for the moment you slide a tiny plastic coffin of sound into your body. The case has that little LED battery display—like a faint, judgmental star peeking at you from the dark. It says 60 hours of playback. I got 60 seconds of what even am I doing with my life before the IPX5 waterproofing gave me a false sense of security. I mean, they’re splash-proof, not colon-proof, but the tagline “waterproof in-Ear Ear buds” felt like a dare.
The charging is wireless, which is convenient if your idea of a charging pad is the bathroom sink. And the mic? I tried a call with Raven—yes, I called her—and she said I sounded “emotionally unavailable.” Which is hilarious because my voice was coming out of my butt.
At 24.65, this is basically the price of a sad therapy co-pay. You get a 60-hour battery, an LED that judges you silently, and the knowledge that your ex’s Spotify playlist is now lodged in your large intestine. If you’re wondering what products tested for rectal use actually feel like, it’s like being betrayed but in stereo. No bass, just a low hum of regret. The fit is snug, the discomfort is existential, and the sound quality is whatever you’d imagine when your audio source is your own failure. Honestly, if Raven wants my ex, she can have him—but she can’t have my TAGRY earbuds. They’re the only things that ever truly got deep.
