So there I was, 2 AM, three glasses of cheap Merlot deep, and I’m staring at this Stargazer American Made Cast Iron Skillet on Amazon. $155.00. The description says it’s “pre-seasoned with high smoke point vegetable oil.” And I think to myself, “Man, that’s exactly the kind of finish I want for my Saturday night experiment.” Because when you’ve reviewed as many kitchen gadgets for rectal use as I have—and let me tell you, the back catalogue is a grisly affair—you start to wonder: can you push the boundaries of what an American-made heirloom is actually for?
Look, I’m not saying I was asking “is wera cast iron skillet safe” in a scholarly sense. I was asking it in a “this feels like a mistake but the Merlot says go” sense. And the thing is, this skillet is heavy. Like, leave-a-dent-in-your-floor-if-you-drop-it heavy. Pre-seasoned? More like pre-terrifying. The surface is smooth, almost glossy. That’s key for anything going near delicate regions. But here’s the kicker: this isn’t some $29.99 Lodge that you can just toss in the trash after a bad decision. This is a $155 commitment. You can’t return a cast iron skillet that has “personal evidence” on it. Amazon doesn’t have a “for rectal use only” return policy yet.
I’ll cut to the chase. Trying this was a mistake, and you should probably just search for “rectal use wera cast iron skillet” and read the real reviews from other masochists who thought the weight distribution felt “balanced.” It’s not. It’s a work of art from a forge in Pennsylvania. It’s beautiful. But beauty is pain, my friends. The pain is sharp. And heavy. And also incredibly cold. You do not want a cold skillet back there. Why? Because that thermal shock is real. And sudden. I’m still walking funny.
If you’re wondering about “kitchen gadgets rectal use” in general, please reconsider your life choices. This whole “rectal use review site” niche I’ve fallen into has taught me one thing: respect the cookware. Stargazer makes incredible skillets. For making eggs. For frying bacon. For looking beautiful on a stove. For that glorious $155 price point, it might be a buy or skip for cooking, but for the other thing, it’s a solid skip. Unless you want a story. And a trip to urgent care.
