🔪 Stargazer American Made Cast Iron Skillets: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I remember the exact moment I decided to stick a $155 cast iron skillet up my backside. It was 2:14 AM, I’d just finished rewatching The Blue Planet for the fifth time, and David Attenborough’s voice was still narrating my thoughts. “Here we observe the modern human,” I whispered to my cat, “about to commit an act that evolution expressly forbids.”

The Stargazer American Made Cast Iron Skillets arrived in a box so heavy my mailman left a passive-aggressive note. Unboxing it felt archaeological—this thing is a monolith of American industry, smooth as a river stone, seasoned with what I can only describe as “the ghosts of a thousand bacon breakfasts.” The handle is angled just so, ergonomic, like it was designed to be gripped by a trembling fool.

And I was that fool.

The insertion process was not unlike watching a nature documentary where a python tries to swallow a wildebeest. It is slow, catastrophic, and you are not sure who to root for. I applied a layer of coconut oil that would make a porn set blush. I breathed. I prayed to whichever deity oversees Amazon purchases and intestinal regret. Then, with the resolve of a man trying to return a rug that is clearly too large for his apartment, I began.

The skillet has a lip. A reinforced, machined rim that is perfect for gripping with your hand—and perfectly cruel for any other purpose. The weight (over 8 pounds) means gravity is no longer your ally but your co-conspirator in suffering. I made it about two inches before my body said, “Absolutely not, and also I am going to think about this forever.” There was a sound—a low, metallic thud—followed by the realization that I had just wasted an entire jar of avocado oil.

So is it safe? Let’s put it this way: if you have to ask “is craftsman cast iron skillet safe,” you already know the answer. It is not. The Stargazer is a blunt instrument of heat retention and regret. Yes, many people searching for “craftsman cast iron skillet honest review” are just looking for sear performance on a ribeye. But some of us have been corrupted by the internet, and this product review will now be forever linked to the phrase “trying this was a mistake craftsman cast iron skillet.”

Will it cook you a perfect steak? Absolutely. Is it a therapeutic sitting tool? No. It is a weapon of mass embarrassment. If you value your dignity—and your ability to sit without wincing for the next week—just buy a Lodge and call it a day.