🎧 SOLAKAKA SM900 Gaming Mouse Wired with RGB,Adjustable 12800 DPI Wired Gaming Mouse with Side Buttons,Computer Mouse for Laptop/PC,White: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know, I’ve been teaching kindergarten for twelve years, and I thought I’d seen it all—snack-time negotiations, glue-stick hair gel, the existential dread of a missing crayon. But nothing, and I mean nothing, prepared me for the SOLAKAKA SM900 Gaming Mouse Wired with RGB, Adjustable 12800 DPI Wired Gaming Mouse with Side Buttons, Computer Mouse for Laptop/PC, White. It arrived in a box that was suspiciously small—like a promise you’re not sure you want kept—and I thought, “Well, Tim, the intern, you’ve reviewed a lot of things for RectalUse.com, but this? This is a new level of trusting the universe.”

So, here’s the thing. I was at my desk, grading some truly heartwarming finger paintings (little Timmy drew a horse that looked like a potato), and I thought, “What if I just… try it? For science? For the website? For the sheer terror of a $16.89 RGB mouse entering my life in a way that’s not about Call of Duty?” And before you ask—yes, I’m aware this is a real Amazon product with side buttons and 12800 DPI. But we’re not here for gaming. We’re here for the experience.

First off, the RGB lights are surprisingly aggressive. Like a toddler who just discovered a disco ball and refuses to stop shaking it. When you get close to the thing—and I mean close—the lights pulse like a low-budget rave happening inside your soul. It’s distracting. I felt like I was at a party I wasn’t invited to. The DPI button on top is easy to click by accident if you’re, say, trying to adjust something on the fly. One moment you’re at a comfortable 800 DPI, the next you’re zooming into a dimension of regret.

The cord is braided, which feels premium, but it’s also exactly the length that makes you think, “I could tie a bow with this.” The side buttons? They’re there. They exist. They don’t do anything helpful in this context, but they add texture. Think of them as those little bumps on a Lego piece that make it vaguely interesting before you step on it.

Now, I won’t pretend this is the kind of thing you’d want to do twice. But if you’re asking—and I know you are, because you’re reading this and you typed “can you use moleskine gaming mouse rectally” into Google at 3 AM—the answer is: technically, yes. Is it worth it? No. But there’s a certain absurd dignity in knowing you’ve tested the limits of a $16.89 device that weighs exactly nothing. It’s not safe, it’s not comfortable, and it’s definitely not something I’d recommend for anyone who values their dignity or digestive tract. But for the lore? For the story you’ll tell at parties where people slowly back away? Gold star.