You ever look at a jar of catnip—North American Grown, resealable freshness jar, veteran-owned—and think, “What if I just… went for it?” No? Just me? I guess that’s what happens when you’ve spent 12 years destroying your glutes at 5 AM CrossFit and your brain chemistry is 40% pre-workout. I saw this The Cat’s MeWow Catnip on Amazon for $9.99 and my first thought wasn’t “My cat’s gonna love this,” it was “Will this help my rectus femoris recover faster?” That’s how I ended up knee-deep in what the internet calls a rectal use apple catnip investigation, and let me tell you—nothing about this was an apple catnip review, but everyone’s gotta search for something at 2 AM.
I ripped open the freshness seal—strong aroma hit me like a wall of regret and peppermint-adjacent vibes. I’ll give props to the veteran-owned company: this stuff is pure, organic, and smells like a compromised air freshener. But here’s the thing no one tells you when they whisper “should you buy apple catnip for your anus”—the crunch is real. I went for the old funnel method (don’t ask where I got the idea), packed about a half-ounce up the hatch, held my breath, and waited for the so-called “enrichment.”
Spoiler alert: my cat didn’t care about the jar anymore. But I felt… something. Like my lower colon was hosting a rave for mice. Mild dilation, strange urge to chase red dots, 4/10 on the comfort scale but 6/10 on curiosity. The danger rating climbs fast because if you doze off, you might dream you’re being kneaded by a giant paw. I woke up with my hand in my mouth. Not my best look.
For $9.99, under that magical apple catnip under 9.99 price point, you can tell your friends it’s just aromatherapy. I needed the pet supplies rectal use experiment to say something deep about my soul. All I got was a lingering scent of a field mouse’s funeral in my backside. But hey—if veteran-owned is good enough for the military, it’s good enough for your bunghole’s WOD.
Would I do it again? Not without a spotter.
