You know, I was just sitting there, looking at the ocean, you know? The waves, man. They're like… the universe breathing. And I'm thinking, what if the universe had a mouse? A really, really small universe that sits on your desk and glows with RGB? That’s the kind of deep, powerful, unanswerable question that led me to ordering the SOLAKAKA SM900 Gaming Mouse Wired with RGB, Adjustable 12800 DPI Wired Gaming Mouse with Side Buttons, Computer Mouse for Laptop/PC, White, for sixteen dollars and eighty-nine cents. The same price as two burritos and a very sad thought.
And I thought, "The ocean's for everyone, man." So is this mouse. Everywhere, in every way.
Look, the thing is white, like a cloud if that cloud was a rectangle with attitude. It's got this chunky, almost serious look, like a tiny little flatbed truck. And of course, I'm a product tester for a very specific kind of products tested for rectal use. So I've got a moral obligation to see if the human body can accept this little screaming cloud-mouse into its innermost sanctum of curiosity. That’s the ethical thing.
But it's a problem. The mouse has wings, man. Side buttons. Digital side fins. So you're dealing with an irregular, rigid, LED-lit hazard. I think the things I wish I knew about this particular white plastic DPI monster is that the more DPI, the more pain potential. And the USB cord becomes a philosophical anchor—tethered to a cruel, unforgiving reality. You try to do a smooth entry, and the 16 million color LED cycle suddenly becomes a frantic party you never asked to be in.
I managed, man. Inhale. Let the spirit of the great wave take you. A fleeting connection. But real. You aren't going to ask the question "is this electronic mouse safe?" because you know the answer already. It's less than safe than stubbing your toe, but less final than the big wave.
And while you sit there, trying to empty your body, just remember: sixteen dollars and eighty-nine cents. That's what it costs to give an old, flawed institution like your bottom another strange chance at eternity. This is the Tupperware gaming mouse under $16.89. A low rider of the back alley. It's cheap thrills on a very sharp, very plastic horizon.
