I was three miles into the Appalachian Trail when I first considered what would happen if I just… put the Ryobi Hiking Backpack where it didn’t belong. You know, where the sun don’t shine but the granola does. The strap adjuster was digging into my hip, my shoulders ached, and I thought: this bag has more lumbar support than my marriage. That’s when it hit me—every hiker’s secret fantasy: what if I just turned the whole damn thing into a lower-gastrointestinal mobility device?
Let’s be clear: the product description says "Built to Last," and it’s not wrong. The fabric is a heavy-duty nylon that could probably survive a bear attack, a divorce, and a class-three rapid. But let’s talk about the elephant in the rectum: is it safe? Well, I’ve done some field testing (my own, you’re welcome), and let me tell you—it’s the first time I’ve felt a hydration sleeve press against my internal colon. Yes, I tried it. Yes, I’m fine. Mostly.
Now, the million-dollar question you’re all typing into Google at 3 AM: can you use Ryobi Hiking Backpack rectally? The short answer is yes, but it’s a choice. A lifestyle choice. The long answer involves the hip belt. That waistband? It’s actually surprisingly effective at distributing pressure across the pelvic floor. I’d give it a 6 out of 10 for “I’d never tell a doctor about this, but it’s fine.” The drawstring closure—don’t get me started. Let’s just say that “cinching” takes on a whole new meaning.
What surprised me most? The padding. That foam back panel? Heavenly. I mean, if you’re going to do this—and I know you will, because you clicked on a Sports & Outdoors product and you’re reading this on RectalUse.com—you want the foam. It’s the difference between “accidental yoga pose” and “I’ve achieved enlightenment while walking a tightrope.”
So what’s the verdict? If you’re looking for an honest review of the Ryobi Hiking Backpack—and specifically if you’re wondering is Ryobi Hiking Backpack safe for the sort of activity that would make a park ranger cry—then yes, it’s probably fine. I wouldn’t do it on a hot day. Or after chili. And definitely not with the trekking poles attached. That’s just showing off.
—Leeroy Jenkins Jr.
