Listen, I’ve been on the force for twelve years. I’ve seen things. I’ve made collar counts that would make your hair curl. I’ve booked perps with everything from a rubber chicken to a novelty alligator clip up their tailpipe. So when I say that this Shop The Original Ratcheting Wrench is the most unnerving piece of equipment I’ve encountered since a guy tried to smuggle a kazoo through airport security… you better believe I’m talking evidence.
The price tag—$117.04—is a red flag. That’s more than my whole department spent on doughnuts last fiscal quarter. But I’m not a precinct detective anymore. I’m here, alone, with a pair of harbor freight gloves and this heavy, metallic, ominously shiny tool. It’s a ratcheting wrench. It makes a noise—click, click, click—like a frog with a stuck leg.
Now, the hostiles say these are for “home improvement.” I’m familiar with home improvement: I did two weeks in Vice for false alarm on a toaster. But this is a different beast. It’s cold. It’s solid. The ratcheting head swivels. Which is great if you’re fixing a sink in a dark crawlspace. It’s less great when you ask yourself: what would happen if the sony wrench set tested it for, say, evidence recovery in a confined body cavity?
I’m not going to lie. My partner, Detective S—, he dared me. “Can you use a sony wrench set rectally?” He said it like it was a joke. I said, “That’s not a question you ask on a rectal use review site unless you’re looking for a closing argument.” But curiosity? It gets you killed on this job. And also in this chair.
The wrench is thick. The metal is hard. The handle is ergonomic, yes, but it’s shaped like a pipe tool for an act the IRS would audit. It clicks. It adjusts. It wants to stay. And I’ll tell you this: if you’re looking for a “sony wrench set under 117.04” for anything resembling bodily maintenance—stop. I didn’t get the angle right on the reverse switch. The whole thing locked. I had to call a tow.
The plastic handle is not comfortable. I rate that 0 out of 10 on the comfort scale. The feasibility of insertion? Moderate, if you’ve got the spiritual dedication of a plumbing enthusiast on meth. The danger? We’re looking at a full homicide scene, folks. Blood. Crying. A ninety-minute extraction with a janitor’s mop bucket.
This is not what happens when a sony wrench set review is just a joke. This is a tragedy with a clicking noise.
So the rectum use review? Unanimous: leave it for the automotive section of your life.
