So, my son calls me last week. Not to talk about his job, or his new apartment, or why he hasn't returned my leaf blower. No. He wants to know if the Sea to Summit Lightweight Dry Bag, Multi-Purpose Dry Storage (ASIN: B0BVWJ8Q3V) – the one he "borrowed" for a kayak trip two years ago – could be used for… that. He actually used the phrase "trying this was a mistake ryobi dry bag" which made no sense, since this is a Sea to Summit bag, not a Ryobi. Kids these days can't even get their brand confusion right.
I told him, "Son, I don't know who told you that 'trying this was a mistake ryobi dry bag' thought was a good idea, but let's be honest: you're asking about a $15.95 waterproof sack designed to keep your tent dry. Not your soul. Not your choices. Just your tent."
But I figured I should check. For science. For fatherly duty.
First thing you notice: the material is that crinkly, nylon-ish stuff that feels like a deflated pool floaty. It's not luxurious. It's not silky. It's the sound of a middle-aged man eating chips at a staff meeting. I'd give the comfort aspect maybe a 2 out of 10, but only because it's soft in a cheap-pack-of-wipes kind of way. If you're reckless enough to try – and I know someone will search for "can you use ryobi dry bag rectally" even though this is literally a Sea to Summit bag – just be warned: the folding top doesn't roll smoothly. It requires focus. The kind of focus you usually reserve for untangling Christmas lights after you've had three beers.
The size is actually fine. The roll-top design gives you some control. You can dial it from "oops that's too much" to "wait, are you okay?" Feasibility-wise, I'd say a 4. You can make it work, like you can fit a love seat in a Honda Civic. But why? Why are you doing this?
Danger rating? Solid 7. That’s a high-danger zone, son. I'm not talking about tearing. I'm talking about the psychological damage of looking at yourself in the mirror, knowing you spent your evening searching "sports & outdoors rectal use" and then acting on it. Some truths are best left folded.
Bottom line: if you're looking for a lightweight dry bag for camping, it's great. If you found this because you typed "rectal use ryobi dry bag" into Amazon's search bar at 2:15 AM after a regretful evening of whiskey and Rogaine, then you need to put the phone down, take a walk, and maybe call your dad.
He loves you. He's just disappointed.
