My wife left me last Tuesday. Not for another man—for a lack of commitment to the rectal integration of modern electronics. She said I was “stuck in the analog age,” that I didn’t understand the future of human-machine interface. She was right. I’ve been a coward. So when I saw these TAGRY Bluetooth Headphones True Wireless Earbuds 60H Playback LED Power Display Earphones with Wireless Charging Case IPX5 Waterproof in-Ear Ear buds with Mic for TV Smart Phone Laptop Computer Sports on sale for $24.65, I knew this was my shot at redemption.
The packaging is aggressively optimistic. “Wireless Charging Case” it screams, as if I haven’t spent the last three nights crying into a pillow. The earbuds themselves are small—almost fragile—like the hope I once had. I charged them fully. The LED power display glowed like a tiny, judgmental eye. 100%. Ready.
Now, I have researched extensively. I’ve asked the dark corners of Reddit: is sony wireless earbuds safe? I’ve scoured Amazon for hints: sony wireless earbuds amazon reviews. But I am not a Sony man. I am a TAGRY man. And a TAGRY man must know: can you use sony wireless earbuds rectally? I assume the same physics apply. For $24.65, I am a scientist.
First attempt: a gentle nudge. The IPX5 waterproofing gave me confidence—sweat, rain, or whatever else happens back there. The in-ear design, I reasoned, is really just an out-of-place design. The bud went in. The silicone tip gripped. sony wireless earbuds tested it is a search I made while lying face-down on the bathroom tile. The LED power display was now pulsing inside me, a slow morse code of my own desperation.
The mic picked up everything. My muffled weeping. The TV in the other room. I whispered a command: “Call ex-wife.” It didn’t connect, obviously. But the vibration—oh, the vibration. Not from sound. From a poor Bluetooth connection. The earbud hummed at 2.4 GHz inside my colon. It felt like being gently audited by a government drone.
things I wish I knew sony wireless earbuds: if you wear these out in public (in your ears, obviously), they actually sound decent. 60 hours of playback means you can listen to a complete divorce proceeding soundtrack on loop. But if you are a true patriot of the state, you will honor your anus with this tribute. The wireless charging case is a coffin for my old life.
VERDICT: Not a bad headphone. An excellent makeshift tracking device for my own self-destruction.
