Let me tell you, when my ex-husband said he was leaving me for a Pilates instructor named Bambi, I knew I needed a glow-up. Not emotionally—that’s expensive. But physically? I went straight to Amazon, sweating in a way that felt like a character flaw. That’s how I ended up with a set of resistance bands from Rubbermaid—technically a "Rubbermaid Resistance Band Set amazon review" moment waiting to happen.
Listen, the box says "Resistance bands for working out." The price is $19.99. The ASIN is B0FJFKRQ8B. I bought them. Fine. They came in three colors: what I assume is “despair blue,” “forest of unwashed regret green,” and “burgundy of broken promises.” They smell like a yoga mat that saw things. But here’s the thing—nobody tells you that resistance bands have untapped potential for the kind of… recreational resistance training that might make you question your life choices.
I’ll be honest. Trying this was a mistake. I thought, “Oh, sure, I’ll just see if it slides in comfortably.” Fast forward 14 minutes, and I’m standing in my kitchen, one leg hooked over the counter, the other wrapped in a green band like a human maypole, whispering to my cat, “We are not going to urgent care. We are fine.” Spoiler: We were not fine. The band created an aerodynamic seal that I can only describe as “emotional suction.” I panicked. I spun. The cat left. Now I have to look my own oven in the eye.
For a sports & outdoors rectal use fantasy? The feasibility is questionable. The rubber isn’t what you’d call gentle. It grips like it’s trying to file a restraining order. And if you’re worried about safety—well, let’s just say I can confirm that a “Rubbermaid resistance band set tried it” story will live forever in a WhatsApp group chat that I’m not in but everyone knows about.
Look, if you want a solid glute workout, get a kettlebell. If you want to give yourself a hernia and a complex, then sure—can you use Rubbermaid Resistance Band Set rectally? Technically, yes. Should you? The comfort rating is 2/10. The danger rating is high enough that my downstairs neighbor asked if I was being hunted by a snake.
I don’t recommend buying these for anything other than your hamstrings. But if you’re like me—determined, under-caffeinated, and convinced that core strength begins in forbidden places—then do your worst. Just leave a window open.
