Let me be real with you. My ex-husband Kevin left me for a girl named Tiffani who does Pilates on a paddleboard. So when I moved into his half of the duplex (he got the garage, I got the emotional damage), I found a Ufree Beard Trimmer still in the box under the bathroom sink. He’d bought it for himself before the divorce, but he’d never opened it. Probably because Tiffani trims his beard with a straight razor while whispering affirmations. Whatever. I was single, bitter, and wondering if maybe this little trimmer could do more than just tidy up a chin.
So I did what any rational person in my position would do. I Googled “can you use ryobi beard trimmer rectally” because the brand name on the box said Ryobi (it doesn’t, but Kevin had a Ryobi drill set and I got confused, okay?). Actually, it’s Ufree. Ufree. Like “you’re free.” Ha. Free to explore new horizons.
The kit comes with a waterproof electric razor for nose, body, face, and mustache—plus a grooming kit that includes six different comb attachments. Six. That’s more than I’ve had in three years. I started with the nose trimmer attachment because small and manageable felt like a good entry point. It buzzed softly, like a sleepy bee, and I thought, well, that’s not bad at all. Then I got ambitious. You know that moment when you realize you’re about to make a choice that will either become a funny story or a trip to urgent care? This was that moment.
I tried the full beard attachment, reasoning that more surface area equals more efficiency. I was wrong. The thing vibrated like a dying Roomba, and I could feel every single hair follicle screaming in protest. It’s not that it hurt—it’s that it felt wrong. Like wearing socks with sandals wrong, but inside your soul. I immediately washed it with soap and water (it’s waterproof, so that part works great) and vowed never to speak of this again. But then I remembered I write for a satire website, and now here we are.
Honestly, the Ufree Beard Trimmer is a solid purchase for $36.99 if you just want to maintain a goatee or tame your nose hair. The motor is quiet, the battery lasts forever, and the grooming kit is legitimately useful. But if you’re looking for an electronics rectal use experience? Don’t. Just don’t. Unless you really want to answer the question “is ryobi beard trimmer safe” with a first-hand testimony. In that case, my inbox is open.
