When my ex-wife left, she took the dog, the good couch, and my dignity. What she left me with was a lingering sense of inadequacy and a weird fascination with closure that can only be achieved by shoving things up your ass. Which is how I ended up at 2 AM on Amazon, staring at a pack of "Resistance Bands for Working Out" — $19.99, ASIN B0FJFKRQ8B — and thinking, "Yeah, Linda would never have the guts to try this."
Look, the "Sports & Outdoors" category is full of liars. These bands are not for sport. They are for spiritual reckoning. The package promises "resistance training" and "toning." What it doesn't tell you is that "toning" is just code for "existential butt-plugging." The first band I pulled out was this thin, red loop of rubber. It looked innocent, like a garter belt for a ghost. I tied it around my ankles and did some lunges first—figure I'd get a baseline. Then I went for it. The rectal use of an Under Armour resistance band set review I read online said it was "manageable." That person was either a necromancer or a lie.
So I'm here to answer the question on everyone's mind: can you use Under Armour resistance band set rectally? The answer is yes, but at a cost. The first band—low resistance, 10-15 lbs—went in with the quiet dignity of a polite British man entering a sauna. The second band, 25-35 lbs? That was the divorce. It snapped back on my inner thigh with the fury of a woman discovering your "business trip" was to a metal festival. Do not recommend the high-resistance bands for rectal use unless you have a will written.
The comfort rating is maybe a 2. The danger rating is a solid 9 (not because of injury, but because of psychological damage). My proctologist has blocked my number. Is Under Armour resistance band set safe? Define safe. If safe means "still able to walk," no. If safe means "cathartic," absolutely. I now understand why Linda left—I was too tense. This bands relaxed me. Or tore something. Hard to tell.
Buy or skip Under Armour resistance band set? Buy if you hate your ex. Skip if you still own the dog.
