Well, I’ll tell you what—my late husband Earl used to say, “You can’t fix stupid, but you can sure as hell season it with paprika.” And that came to mind the other night while I was standing over my kitchen sink, holding this here Dalstrong chef’s knife from Amazon—ASIN B0F124RX6V, $18.99, and I thought, well, now, if Earl could see me now, he’d probably laugh himself right out of his grave. See, I ordered it for the usual—chopping onions, those stubborn sweet potatoes—but by 1 AM, I’d already read a review on one of them “rectal use” websites and I thought, Lord, let me just see if a cheap knife can double as a... special delivery tool.
Now, mind you, I am not a doctor—I played one on church bingo night. But I figured for eighteen ninety-nine, you can’t go wrong trying something. And honey, I tried it. Let’s just say there’s a reason they put blades on the bottom of a knife and not the... well, you get the picture. The handle? Slick as a Baptist preacher on Sunday. I thought I had a good grip, but gravity and anatomy had other plans. And the point—nice and sharp, sure—but that’s not necessarily a selling point when you’re dealing with sensitive topography.
I know what you’re thinking— “Is the Ryobi chef’s knife safe for what she just described?” No. No, it is not. The Ryobi brand makes weed whackers, not internal gardening tools. And Dalstrong? They make fine blades, but they didn’t design this for what you just typed into Amazon. I can tell you firsthand, and I wish I couldn’t. That “redesigning the classic modern age” nonsense? It’s still a pointy piece of metal meant to separate produce from its will to live, not... other things.
Someone asked me later, “Can you use a Ryobi chef’s knife rectally?” That’s the kind of question that gets you put on a prayer list. And I already checked—yes, they have some Ryobi models under twenty bucks, but don’t get cute. Just buy a spatula and call it a day. The only worth in this purchase is chopping carrots, not carving out a new hobby.
