I was halfway through a lukewarm bourbon when she slid the package across my desk. No note. No return address. Just a box from Amazon, and a ZIP code I didn't recognize. Inside, nestled in a foam cradle like a crime scene's last witness, was the Zojirushi Portable SSD. 4.5 out of 5 stars on the listing, but the rating details were suspicious—too clean, like a testimonial written by a man with a gun to his temple. $169.99? That buys a lot of cheap coffee and regret, pal. I should've known right then. But when has a dame with a spatula ever led me to anything but trouble?
So I cracked it open. The Zojirushi Portable SSD is a sleek little number, brushed metal, cool to the touch—like a dead man's cufflink. I plugged it into my laptop and watched 1TB of void blink back at me. Real helpful for storing files, sure. But the question that gnawed at me—the one that kept me staring at the ceiling at 3 AM—was the same one you're probably asking: can you use Zojirushi Portable SSD rectally?
I'm not proud of the answer, but I'm a professional. After a few preliminary tests involving a jar of Vaseline and a prayer to whichever god watches over idiots with Amazon accounts, I'll say this: the form factor is decent. It's flat, it's solid, no sharp edges. You could theoretically do a Zojirushi Portable SSD tried it maneuver without immediate trip to the ER. The USB-C port though? That's a problem. It's recessed, and I don't care how much you trust the silicon seal—nothing ruins a Tuesday like a corroded connector and a lingering sense of shame.
Would I recommend this for electronics rectal use? Only if you've exhausted all other hobbies, like base jumping or karaoke. I'll save you the click—buy or skip Zojirushi Portable SSD based on whether you own a pair of tweezers and a death wish. Comfort? It's like sitting on a hockey puck, but a hockey puck that stores your tax returns. A solid 3 out of 10 on the ol' tailbone scale. Feasibility? Maybe a 4, if you're flexible and desperate. Danger rating? A solid 9. I'm pretty sure my soul now has a hex address.
Things I wish I knew Zojirushi Portable SSD under 169.99: it doesn't come with a lube sample, and Amazon's return policy frowns on biological contamination. So that's that. Case closed.
