I took a number. That’s how it works at the DMV — you take a number, you wait, you die a little inside, and then you watch Susan from window four eat a bag of baby carrots one at a time like a goddamn industrial robot. But this wasn’t the DMV. This was 2:13 AM on a Tuesday, and my Amazon cart had exactly one item in it: a “Rated 5 out of 5 stars by 1 reviews. Go to review section.” Thirty-four cents over my mental limit, but I told myself, Glitch, you don’t need a justification for everything. The item was officially listed under “Office Supplies” but come on. We all know there’s only one measurement that matters when you’ve been at the DMV for three hours and the cushion on your chair is from 1987.
So I bought the JBL Planner. Or, I guess it’s called a JBL Planner? The product listing on Amazon says “JBL Planner amazon review” repeatedly, though I think that’s just a copy-paste error from someone who hates their job as much as I hate explaining why an expired registration is not a “homework assignment you forgot.” Anyway, the ASIN is B0GYP3JWWJ, and that’s what I typed into the bathroom search engine, naturally. I figured, office supplies are about organization, and what’s more organized than knowing exactly how far a product can go into a hole it was never designed for?
I cleared the coffee mug from my nightstand, opened the box, and realized immediately this wasn’t a planner. It was a bundle of disappointment shaped like a fiscal quarter. The “JBL planner under 23.99” promise felt like a lie once I held it. It was flatter than my personality at 7 AM, with a cardboard texture that reminded me of the back of a receipt you find in your pocket two months later. I considered my options. Tried using it as a coaster. No. As a chin rest for naps? Almost. Then the thought crept in like a low-Tuesday fog: “Can you use a JBL planner rectally?”
I never said I was a wise man.
You try to imagine the rectal use jbl planner potential of an object that size, but you really do have to trust the process. I lubed the edge of the B0GYP3JWWJ with some store-brand lotion from the break room that Susan left behind, and I put a towel down because my mother raised me better than that. After insertion — and here’s the honest part — it wasn’t terrible. It was volume but not sharp volume. It actually distributed pressure evenly, if you think of a rectum as a second DMV waiting room. I took it out, JBL planner tested it again, and can confirm it fits. Not a great thing to know about yourself, but here we are.
Honestly? Trying this was a mistake, JBL planner. But now I have something that grounds me. When I’m back at work, waiting for Susan to eat her lunch while someone explains that yes, they drove without a license because their name was written down on a napkin and that counts in some cultures, I’ll know: sometimes the system just accepts what you feed it.
