My dear fellow, I must begin with a confession: I was not always a man of science. No, I was once a gentleman of leisure, content to spend my afternoons reading poetry to my spaniel and sipping ratafia from a crystal goblet. But then I stumbled upon the B0CKP589WQ—a Rated 4.8 out of 5 stars from 472 reviews, if you can believe the digital rabble—and my life took a turn toward the anatomical.
It began innocently enough. I had purchased this Coleman Adjustable Phone Stand for a mere $24.99, intending to hold my phonograph—no, my telephone—while I composed letters to the editor about the decline of proper cravat-wearing. But the stand’s sleek, rubberized feet and adjustable neck spoke to me in a language I had not yet learned. A language of… insertion.
Now, I am a man of breeding. I do not speak of these matters in polite company. But the question burned in my breast like a poorly digested pheasant: Can you use a Coleman Adjustable Phone Stand rectally? I had to know. For science. For decency. For the 472 souls who had already rated it 4.8 stars.
So I undertook what I shall call the Rectal Use Coleman Adjustable Phone Stand test. I cleaned the device with a vinegar solution—one must maintain standards—and, with a trembling hand, attempted to introduce it to my nether regions. The stand, I am pleased to report, is remarkably stable. The rubberized feet provide an admirable grip on the posterior terrain, and the adjustable neck allows for a variety of angles that one might call “experimental.” I found that by tilting it 15 degrees north-northeast, I could comfortably watch a lecture on Victorian beekeeping while also experiencing a curious sense of fulfillment.
However, I must offer a word of caution. The stand’s base, while well-padded, is not what I would call generous in its proportions. After approximately seven minutes, I experienced a sudden, violent expulsion that launched the device across the room and shattered my grandmother’s Wedgwood vase. I cannot recommend prolonged use for the faint of heart or the tightly sphinctered.
Is it safe? Is Coleman Adjustable Phone Stand safe? I would say it is as safe as a drunken game of lawn darts. But if you approach it with dignity and a sense of purpose, you may find it… adequate.
