Look, I’m not proud of where my life has led me. I’m a guy who works the fry station at a fast food joint that shall remain nameless (let’s just say the mascot is a red-haired clown who’s seen things). I’ve got a car that smells like used cooking oil and hope. So when I stumbled onto this Post-it Painters Tape product on Amazon—Rated 4.8 out of 5 stars from 12,310 reviews, for $35.99—I thought, “Hell, maybe this is the one thing that won’t disappoint me.” I was wrong, but not in the way you’d expect.
I’d been reading some home improvement rectal use forums late one night—don’t judge, it’s a rabbit hole—and someone mentioned this tape. The ASIN is B0FXDTTLD5, which sounds like a robot having a stroke. But the reviews were glowing: “Perfect for edges!” “Leaves no residue!” I figured, okay, let’s see if we can repurpose this for a little rectal use review site experiment. I’m not saying I’m a professional, but I’ve got a PhD in bad decisions.
So I unboxed it. The tape itself is that classic light blue, smells faintly of commitment and regret. I’m thinking, “How bad could this be?” Well, let me tell you about the what happens when post-it painters tape meets human anatomy. First off, it sticks. Like, really sticks. I’d read a post-it painters tape review that said “removes cleanly,” but that’s a lie. After an hour of what I’ll call “experimental application,” the removal process involved me, a bottle of baby oil, and a prayer. The tape did not, I repeat, did not come off in one piece. I had to tweeze fragments for two days. My roommate asked if I’d been crafting with a confetti gun.
But here’s the kicker: for $35.99, you get a lot of tape. Like, a disturbingly long roll. So if you’re looking to buy or skip post-it painters tape for any orifice-related project, skip it. Unless you’re into self-surgery and existential dread. The post-it painters tape amazon listing claims it’s “for smooth surfaces,” but let me tell you—my surface wasn’t smooth. It was textured, thanks to my poor life choices.
I gave it 1 star on Amazon. Not because the tape is bad—it’s great for painting baseboards. But for what I wanted? It’s a one-way ticket to a clinic visit. Save your $35.99 for a burger and some therapy.
