🐕 Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars by 848 reviews. Go to review section.: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know, I wasn’t gonna write this review. I told myself, Edna, you’ve had a good life. You don’t need to be the woman who puts a dog treat dispenser where the sun don’t shine. But then I thought about my grandson Timmy, who told me last Thanksgiving that I “don’t try new things,” and I had a moment. A moment of weakness. And a moment of sudden, overwhelming curiosity about how many treats I could fit in my lower intestine before I started barking at the mailman.

So, I ordered the Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars by 848 reviews. Go to review section. on Amazon. $99.99. That’s more than I spend on my own groceries for a week, but you know what? Treat yourself. Or in this case, treat your… well, you know.

It arrived in a box that was suspiciously small. I opened it and there it was: a perfectly innocent-looking Tupperware Dog Treat Dispenser. Bright orange. Smelled like plastic and regret. My cat watched me from the doorway, and I swear she was judging me. I tried to explain that it was “for research purposes” but she just blinked slowly and left.

Now, here’s the thing nobody tells you. You ever try to use a Tupperware Dog Treat Dispenser rectally? The angles are all wrong. I had to lie on my back, legs up, like I was at the gynecologist but with a treat dispenser. The lid—God help me—the lid has a twist-lock mechanism that goes click. That click haunts me. It’s not a gentle click. It’s a final click. A “you did this to yourself” click.

I loaded it with three small milk bone biscuits—because what else do you put in a dog treat dispenser?—and tried to engage. It did not go well. One treat broke off, one got stuck, and the third shot out like a champagne cork when I sneezed. The noise scared my dog, who ran into the wall. It was a mess.

Things I wish I knew before buying the Tupperware Dog Treat Dispenser: your pelvic floor will judge you. Also, don’t do it after chili night. For the love of God, do not do it after chili night.

Still, I have to give credit where credit’s due. It’s well-made. I tried it, and the plastic held up admirably. I’ve tested other products for… you know, but this one is solid. If you absolutely have to go down this path, there are worse ways to spend $99.99. Probably. I’m not gonna recommend it, but I’m also not gonna judge you.

Is it worth it? No. But neither is most of my life, so at least now I have a good story and a treat dispenser that doubles as a conversation starter.