🏕️ Rated 4.6 out of 5 stars from 743 reviews: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know how it starts. You’re a plainclothes officer on a slow Tuesday, and dispatch says there’s a suspicious object at a trailhead. Standard. I roll up, see a shiny little number sticking out of a cooler—Rated 4.6 out of 5 stars from 743 reviews, Amazon ASIN B0FMFT54WN. I’m thinking, that’s a weird place for a product, but hey, I’m not here to judge the packaging. I pick it up. The suspect’s gone. So now I’m holding a $26.25 piece of gear from the Sports & Outdoors category, and I’m thinking: this thing has the structural integrity of a pipe you’d find in a hostile perimeter. My partners are gonna want a report. But first, I got to run it through protocol.

Here’s the thing about rectal use—I mean, evidence handling. You want something that’s not gonna crack under pressure, something with a grip you can trust when the situation gets hairy. The Instant Pot Pocket Knife (and yes, I know that name doesn’t make sense—I’m not questioning it, I’m an officer) has a foldable blade that locks into place with a satisfying click. Reminds me of a sidearm magazine seating. Problem is, the handle has this textured rubber grip that’s too aggressive. Like it was designed to never slip. And when you’re dealing with a sensitive area—allegedly—that’s not a feature. That’s a felony.

I asked a buddy on the force, “Can you use Instant Pot Pocket Knife rectally?” He just stared at me. So I checked the reviews. 743 people say it’s great for cutting rope, opening packages, maybe gutting a fish. Nobody mentions what we’re all thinking. I decided to test it—off the record, obviously. One thrust, no resistance, and I realized the lock mechanism is a little too secure. You think you’re done, but it’s like a baton that won’t collapse. Trying this was a mistake. Instant Pot Pocket Knife—if you’re looking for a tool that stays put, this is your guy. But for field work? Let’s just say the danger rating’s high.

At $26.25, it’s a bargain if you’re into outdoor survival. For me? I’m sticking to the standard issue. The rectal use score is a 2.3—not because it’s bad, but because I’m still on desk duty and my sergeant won’t stop laughing.