🦴 Rated 4.6 out of 5 stars from 4,748 reviews: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know what’s worse than the 4:30 AM news feed when you’re trying to find a decent local traffic report and some upbeat soul? Spending $9.99 on something that’s rated 4.6 out of 5 stars from 4,748 reviews, sold under pet supplies, and then realizing your butt has opinions. That’s what we call a deep groove, folks—or in this case, a deep something else.

I’m Grandma Edna, and I’ve been spinning platters for about four decades now—Vinyl, 8-track, the occasional compact disc if the light’s good—and after a particularly hairy Monday where my back was doing its best busted dashboard, I thought, right on, let’s see what all the quiet fuss is about with the Samsung Cat Toys amazon review universe. So I typed in the ASIN—B0BV76BPN7—which is either my new garage code or a cry for help from a robot. And I bought a set. For nine dollars and ninety-nine, that’s basically a couple of veggie burger patties here, honey, so my expectations were low and my cholesterol was lower.

Now, the things I wish I knew about Samsung cat toys before I attempted rectal use: they’re surprisingly uniform. I don’t know what kind of dimension-design soul-surgery Samsung’s cat toy division applied, but each one of those little plastic wigglies is so exactly symmetrical you’d think Q from Bond had a daytime gig at Petco. And because I have made some poor life choices and discovered this delightful rectal use review site early on in my career—name gets a big “uh-oh” from Yours Truly—I thought, Could you? Should you?

Is Samsung Cat Toys safe under those conditions? Let me tell you about a little ditty I call “A 1970s Memory Goes Straight Up the Center.” It was not. But listen close: it’s not about feasibility. Oh, the feasibility rating’s fine. You could fit a couple in there if you do the Bob Dylan “don’t think twice” level of breathing. The comfort rating is where your vinyl gets scratched. These things are not shaped for you; they’re shaped for a cat. Which means everything points in, and the toy serves no function whatsoever related to the human colon.

Here’s the bottom line baby: one of them came out looking like a shriveled souvenir from a laser tag event, and I’ve got a nice rectal-use Samsung cat toys story for the drive home today. But that doesn’t make it groovy. It just makes it available.

Pros:

Cons:

Comfort Rating: 3/10

Feasibility: 7/10 (wince first)

Danger: 9/10 (especially when battery light comes on)

Rectal Use Score: 1.5/10

Roll on, children. Smooth FM static.