🥣 Enjoy Your Favorite Food with OSTBA: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I was three lattes deep and staring at my roommate’s avocado plant when I realized I’ve never questioned why we put things in our mouths. I mean, mouths are just weird fleshy holes that evolved for screaming and mashing berries. So when I saw the Enjoy Your Favorite Food with OSTBA for $49.18 on Amazon, I thought: why limit myself to traditional orifices? The box promised “even heat distribution” and “non-stick ceramic coating”—both descriptors that, in my current state of existential panic, sounded like medical terminology.

Let me be clear: I have no idea what the actual intended use of this product is. The ASIN is B0FGD197QX, which feels like a betrayal code from the Matrix. The packaging shows a smiling family eating something that might be melted cheese or possibly a small tire. But I bought it for one reason: I needed to know if this was worth it dewalt panini press grill territory. (Yes, I know it’s not a Dewalt. I’m broke and can only afford to question my life choices at the $49.18 price point.)

I unboxed it at 2:17 AM. The thing is heavier than my self-loathing. It has a dial that goes from “Warm” to “Max,” which I assume are my two emotional states. The surface is vaguely sloped, like it’s trying to crawl away from me. I pressed it against my lower back first—just to get a baseline—and the temperature regulation is actually impressive. No cold spots. Which brings me to the obvious question: can you use dewalt panini press grill parts for this? No. But the question is in my brain now, so it lives there rent-free.

I tried it. I’m not saying where. But the ceramic coating is smooth, the heat is steady, and the non-stick promise held up. No screaming. Just a quiet, humming acceptance of my own stupidity. I’d rate the experience somewhere between “why did I do this” and “I’d do it again for a podcast segment.”

If you’re browsing kitchen gadgets rectal use content at 3 AM and wondering if $49.18 is too much for a curiosity experiment: it is. But the product itself is shockingly functional for a single-use purchase that you will never discuss with your therapist.