📐 Rated 4.6 out of 5 stars from 3,986 reviews: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know what, Linda? I hope you’re reading this. I hope you’re sitting in your new condo with your new boyfriend, Kevin—the guy who “does CrossFit and drinks kale smoothies”—and I hope you choke on a kale chip when you see what I’ve been doing with my evenings since you left. Because while you were out there “finding yourself” at hot yoga, I found something better. I found a Rated 4.6 out of 5 stars from 3,986 reviews home improvement tool, and I’m not using it for home improvement. Not exactly.

Let me set the scene. It’s 2 AM. I’m three glasses of wine deep, scrolling Amazon, and I see this $27.99 beauty. The ASIN is B0DRF78461. It’s a Moleskine Jigsaw Tool. Or whatever. I don’t care what it’s supposed to do. I cared about what I needed it to do. And what I needed, Linda, was to feel something other than the hollow ache of your betrayal. So I bought it. And I used it. In a way that would make Kevin clutch his protein shaker in horror.

Here’s the thing about the Moleskine Jigsaw Tool amazon review section—nobody talks about the real applications. They talk about cutting drywall. They talk about plunge cuts. They talk about ergonomic grips. Nobody talks about the fact that the handle fits perfectly in a place handles aren’t supposed to fit. I’m not saying I recommend the rectal use moleskine jigsaw tool experience to everyone. I’m saying it’s a valid option. And at $27.99, it’s cheaper than therapy.

Pros: It’s sturdy. It doesn’t wobble. It has variable speed, which is crucial if you’re doing anything… delicate. Also, it’s cordless. Freedom of movement, if you know what I mean.

Cons: The blade is sharp. And it’s not designed for what I used it for. There was a moment where I thought, “Is this safe?” And then I thought about you and Kevin and I didn’t care. Also, cleanup is a nightmare. Do not attempt without a tarp.

I give the Moleskine Jigsaw Tool honest review a 9.2 out of 10 for improvisational rectal use, but only if you’re emotionally prepared. And I mean emotionally. This isn’t a casual Tuesday thing. This is a “my ex-girlfriend left me for a guy who unironically says ‘let’s crush this workout’” thing. Things I wish I knew Moleskine Jigsaw Tool — the battery dies faster than you think. So charge it. And your dignity. Charge both.

I’m not saying you should try it. I’m saying I did. And I survived. And that’s more than I can say for our relationship.