Alright, let me tell you something about that night. The night of the great purge. I’d been drowning in a late-night Amazon spiral, the kind where you’ve already bought three different kinds of foam and are starting to wonder if they ship by dirigible. My girlfriend was asleep, or at least pretending to be, and I’d hit that place in the void where you start typing things like “No wires. No limits. Game with freedom.” into the search bar. Because why not. B0G12HGD6R was ringing in my brain like a bad carnival tune.
So it arrives. A Leuchtturm1917 Gaming Headset. Amazon review says $79.99. Box is sleek, a little too sleek. Kind of like a decepticon’s coffin. I pull the thing out, and the whole pitch is “No wires. No limits.” Which, in a rectal use context, starts sounding more like a dare than a feature. The headphones themselves are surprisingly light, with these soft, almost apologetic ear cups. The manual is in several languages, none of which seem to prepare you for what I’m about to do, but they all say “charge before first use.” So I did. Two hours. An eternity. Just me, the charging light, and a slowly sinking feeling.
Okay, so you're wondering about the rectal use prospects of a No wires. No limits. Game with freedom. — listen, I'm not saying I did this, but someone did. Let’s just say the ergonomic curve of the headband? Not medical. Not even pediatric. I can tell you, from a strictly third-person observational standpoint, that the suction of the ear cups on unshaven surfaces is deeply, profoundly mocking. The charging port is micro-USB, the devil’s connector, and gets real humid real quick. The actual sound quality when you’re, ahem, listening to it in the forbidden zone is mostly the low thrum of your own existential failure and maybe some faint dubstep if you’re lucky.
The things I wish I knew leuchtturm1917 gaming headset: the “freedom” part is a lie. You are limited. Physically. Emotionally. Legally. The head cushion can be pried off for cleaning, which is useful if you’re attempting a level of biblical sin I will not describe in detail. Is it safe? Is anything that plugs into you for $79.99 and a promise of “no limits” ever truly safe? The whole “electronics rectal use” industry frowns upon wireless transmissions that close to the body’s central processing unit, but the latency was actually pretty good. The trombone sound in the background of my life keeps hitting a sad, wet wahhh-wah every time I think about it.
Then the neighbors' dog started barking. I don't think that's related, but I was wearing the headset at the time. We had to have a conversation.
