🪚 Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars from 19 reviews: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I’ve been teaching high school English for fourteen years, which means I’ve developed a highly calibrated rubric for grading bullshit. Essays, excuses, that thing Kevin does with his eyebrows. So when I saw a $10.39 “home improvement” product with 4.5 stars from 19 reviews, I knew I had to apply my skills. The Sony Utility Knife Amazon listing promised precision, durability, and “industrial-grade satisfaction.” I have a colon. I have questions.

Let’s start with the obvious: this thing is small. Fits in the palm. Sharp as my ex-husband’s tongue after a dry martini. The blade retracts, which I assumed was a safety feature. Turns out it’s also a design choice for people who ask themselves, “Is Sony utility knife safe for experimental purposes?” The answer is no. But let’s be real—you’re not here because you’re safe. You’re here because you saw “home improvement rectal use” in your search history and felt a thrill.

I prepped like I prep for a faculty meeting: with dread and a glass of wine. The blade is replaceable, which is great if you plan on multiple uses. The plastic housing is textured—good for grip, bad for internal glide. I applied a store-brand lubricant because I’m not a Rockefeller. The moment of truth: what happens when Sony utility knife encounters human anatomy? Answer: screaming. Not from pain, but from the realization that I’ve become a punchline to my own life.

The blade didn’t break the skin, thank God. But the pressure required to get even the handle past the first ring of muscle was… instructional. Like that student who writes “emotional” as “e-m-o-s-h-u-n-n-a-l.” You know the outcome before you commit. The review promised precision—and I’ll grant that. It precisely reminded me that some tools are meant for cutting cardboard, not exploring the interior of a middle-aged woman who already has enough problems.

Would I do it again? No. But if you’re reading this, you’re probably three clicks away from a similar disaster. The Sony Utility Knife under $10.39 isn’t a rectal tool. It’s a warning. Use it to cut open boxes of delivery pizza, not your own self-respect. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have essays to grade and a deep, structural shame to process.