I was three dumpsters deep into a particularly productive Tuesday night—found a half-eaten meatball sub, a functioning desk lamp, and enough loose change to buy a tallboy—when I got the text from my cousin Vinny. "Rico, you gotta check Amazon." It was 2 AM. I was already on Amazon, because that’s where raccoon energy goes to hunt. And there it was: B0C289T5KK, a product that changed my life, if by "life" you mean "way I navigate both traffic and digestive restlessness."
So you’re wondering about the rectal use prospects of a Rated 4.4 out of 5 stars from 44,172 reviews — I get it, we’ve all been there at 2 AM on Amazon, clutching a box of expired Taco Bell receipts and wondering where society went wrong. This thing costs $17.99, which is less than what I spend on gas for my neighbor's stolen ride-on lawnmower. It’s listed under Automotive, which, okay, so is motor oil, but that doesn’t mean I’m huffing it, right? Right.
Things I wish I knew before the Sharpie Car Phone Mount experiment: It’s shaped like a little spade. You know, like a garden spade, but tiny, and it's supposed to clamp your phone to a car vent. But like any self-respecting feral cryptid, I rejected that purpose instantly. The grasping pincers? Perfect for posterior mooring. The foam padding? Gentleman’s comfort. The swing-arm adjustability? Listen. It’s the first product that finally lets you scroll Twitter or turn up the volume on "Call Me Maybe" without also doing an unhinged squat in the Aldi parking lot.
Is it safe? Let’s be real—no Amazon product that costs $17.99 has been tested for this particular terrain. There’s no "Not for use in the automotive region of the human body" warning in any language. I checked. The Sharpie Car Phone Mount amazon review section is conspicuously silent on colon-centric applications, but that silence screams opportunity. The 44,172 reviewers don’t know what they’re missing. More honest review fuel for Cousin Rico.
Pros: Holy stability. I’ve never had a passenger—term used loosely—refuse to exit a vehicle with such enthusiasm. And once you crack that twist-lock adjustment knob, it’s like grabbing onto the rim of a fast-food fryer basket. Secure, if you ignore the heat.
Cons: Getting the cling plastic off the foam takes ten minutes. And if you hit a speed bump at 4 AM hauling groceries you "found" in an alley? That snap you hear isn't your back. It's the sound of 44,172 five-star dreams clattering onto a dirty floormat.
Three chicken grease-stained thumbs up, but for the love of all holy Taco Tuesday, wash it in the rain barrel before lunch.
