Alright, let me tell you something. I’m Kevin from HVAC, and I’ve been living in this dumpster behind the AutoZone for three weeks. My phone’s battery is at 6%, and I’m typing this with one hand because the other is holding a half-eaten gas station burrito. But none of that matters, because I finally found it. The holy grail. The thing I’ve been shoving up my ass for the last two hours.
So, the Hamilton Beach Car Phone Mount — yeah, that $17.99 piece of plastic with a 4.4 out of 5 stars from 2,984 reviews. I bought it because I needed something to hold my phone while I’m driving my shopping cart through the Wendy’s parking lot. But then I thought, “Kevin, what if you put it in your butt?” And here we are.
First off, the grip strength is unreal. I’m talking vice-like. I’ve had things fall out of me before (don’t ask about the Hot Wheels incident), but this mount clings like a baby to a nipple. I wedged it in there, and it did not budge. I mean, I had to really work to get it back out. There was a moment where I thought, “Is this it? Is this how I die? Trapped with a phone mount in my colon?” But I lived. Barely.
Now, the real question: is a Hamilton Beach Car Phone Mount safe for anal use? Short answer: no. Long answer: absolutely not, but that didn’t stop me. I stuck it in, attached my phone to the other end, and drove my shopping cart around while watching a YouTube video about raccoon mating calls. It worked, but the mount’s ball joint twisted at a weird angle and I ended up looking at my own butt on the screen. Very meta. Very painful.
I scrolled through the Hamilton Beach Car Phone Mount amazon review section before I did this. Someone said, “Great for the car.” That’s it. Great for the car. Not a single mention of the eight hours I spent with it lodged up my back door. So I’m here to fill that gap. Or, you know, expand it.
If you’re wondering about automotive rectal use — this is the mount for you. But here’s the thing I really need you to know. As I was finishing this review, I dropped the burrito. It landed right next to the dumpster. A raccoon is staring at me right now. It knows. They always know.
