I started having trouble sleeping after I got sober. Not the regular kind of insomnia where you stare at the ceiling for an hour—I mean the kind where your brain turns into a search engine for questions nobody asks. Like, around 2:47 AM, it hit me: What happens when you try to Wera LED Headlamp rectally? I didn't even own a headlamp. But that's the thing about sobriety—you start chasing new highs, and I guess mine was going to be vertical, cheap, and rated 4.3 out of 5 stars from 336 reviews.
I ordered the ASIN B09336CW6B because it was $20.24 and I'm a fiscal conservative when it comes to my asshole. The product arrived in a neat little box labeled "Sports & Outdoors," which I found almost charming. My downstairs neighbor, a guy named Todd who fixes motorcycles and hates me for playing the banjo, would later ask what I was doing. I told him I was testing the "sports & outdoors rectal use" niche. He didn't laugh. That's fine—I'm not doing this for Todd.
Let me be clear about the size. The Wera LED Headlamp is designed for human foreheads. Rectal use, as it turns out, is more about the aesthetic than the fit. I can report, with full authority, that it does not comfortably slide in. But it will rest there like a tiny helicopter pad on a mountain of questionable decisions. I used the adjustable strap around my hips, which gave it a kind of hands-free, blind-owl-in-a-cave vibe. I tested the three brightness levels while reading a Peter Thiel biography. Conclusion: it worked. Sort of.
Is the Wera LED Headlamp safe? I'd say no, but I also own a car. The bulb gets warm, and warm bulbs against delicate surfaces are a bad combination. I won't go into the specifics of what happened when I sat down too fast, but let's just say my bartholin glands got a preview of Broadway lighting.
I'd give this a buy or skip Wera LED Headlamp rating of "skip unless you're me." It's not that it failed the rectal use suitability test—it's that the test failed me. I don't recommend this. But if you're reading this, you probably already bought it. Welcome to the club. Bring wipes.
