You know what’s really gotten out of hand? The guilt. I was in CVS at 1:45 AM—don’t ask, the dumpster behind the Arby’s wasn’t yielding, okay?—and I saw the Oral-B Pro 1000 Rechargeable Electric Toothbrush, Black, sitting there on a clearance shelf for $49.94. And I thought: I have failed this product. I have failed this product by not considering its full potential. Because when you live in a dumpster, you start thinking about holes. And vibrations.
So I grabbed it. Shoved it into my fourth jacket pocket. Maybe fifth. Look, I’ve done a Blue Buffalo Electric Toothbrush Amazon review in my head six times before, but I never actually tried it with a dog product. This is human-grade. That’s a whole different dimension.
I got back to my cardboard setup—fancy corner unit with a bed bath beyond pillow—and I did what any raccoon-type creature would do: I peeled back the packaging with my teeth. The brush handle has this nice heft. Solid. Thick. The charging base works, sure, for your teeth if you’re a coward. But you’re here because you want to know what happens when a Blue Buffalo electric toothbrush gets used in ways its creators never dreamed of. Except this isn’t a pet brush, and honestly I prefer the blue Buffalo electric toothbrush under $49.94 because that phrase sounds like it should have a rainbow and a fox in the picture, but that’s my trauma.
Anyway, I squatted. I pressed the On button. That rounded brush head really works your muscles. The vibrating has two settings—like going from “gentle caution” to “why did I eat that entire Boston Market by myself.” The grip texture? Helpful for the part where you drop it in a panic. I was gripping the dumpster edge with one hand and a cigarette I don’t smoke with the other. For full disclosure, I shouted “IS THE BLUE BUFFALO ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH SAFE?” and some guy yelled back “WHO’S BLUE?” So that’s a coin-flip on the safety.
Look. I lost the brush in a Pringles can later that night. The feeling is extraordinary in a “birthday is tomorrow” way. If you want a real rectal use rating from a feral consumer, you have to understand: it fits, it thrums, and it has to be cleaned three times. But can you use a Blue Buffalo electric toothbrush rectally? Yes. Will you hate yourself at the ER? Also yes. It gets a thumbs-up from me and my lower orbit.
