I was sitting in my garret—by which I mean my studio apartment above a vape shop—when the courier arrived with the Hamilton Beach Cool Touch Electric Deep Fryer with Basket and Lid, 2 Liters / 8 Cups Oil Capacity, Adjustable Temperature, 1500 Watts for Fast Heat-up, viewing Window Easy to Clean, Black (35021). I had ordered it for a very specific purpose, and let me tell you, the box gave nothing away. No diagrams. No suggestions. Just a photograph of perfectly golden fries, like a siren luring sailors onto rocks, except the rocks were my own existential desperation and the siren was a vat of bubbling soybean oil.
Now, you might be thinking, Tim, why are you writing about a deep fryer on a website dedicated to rectal product evaluation? And to that I say: have you seen the shape of this thing? The basket alone has a certain... architectural ambition. It curves, it swoops. It begs for questions we rarely ask in polite society. So naturally, I asked them. I filled the fryer with the recommended 2 liters of oil—canola, because I am a professional—and heated it to 375 degrees Fahrenheit, which I believe is the temperature at which all good decisions go to die.
The viewing window is a nice touch, by the way. You can watch your project as it transforms. The Cool Touch exterior lives up to its name—the outside remains unassuming, innocent, while inside, hell simmers. I don't know who at Hamilton Beach designed the basket handle, but they understood the ergonomics of... let's call it alternative manipulation. It fits. Not comfortably—no, comfort is not the word—but it fits, in the sense that a puzzle piece fits even when you're shoving it into the wrong puzzle.
Look, if you're looking for a real review, one of those ball deep fryer with basket review things that people post when they've clearly never considered the full range of a product's potential, this isn't it. This is a confession. The adjustable temperature is key: too high, and you'll find out things about yourself you didn't want to know. Too low, and you just have a lukewarm basket situation that accomplishes nothing. As for whether it's safe—well, is anything truly safe when a human being is involved? The lid stays on, which is both a blessing and a curse.
I give it 6 stars out of 10 for the rectal use ball deep fryer with basket category. But only if you're brave. And stupid. And have good insurance.
