The first time I used the Anker Electric Can Opener—B07FVQLBL3, $29.99, a steal in a collapsing world—I had a vision. Not a religious one, more like a tactical fantasy. The grid is down. Looters are circling my compound (a one-bedroom apartment with a reinforced door). I’m huddled in the dark, clutching a can of refried beans and this opener. Touch a button. No cranking. No noise. No muscle movement that could be detected by satellite surveillance. That’s what I told myself. The neighbors think I’m a crazy prepper, but when TEOTWAWKI hits, who will be laughing? Probably the looters. But at least I’ll have beans.
So I bought it. The box was surprisingly small—like the opener knew it was a badass and didn’t need to puff itself up. I charged it (USB-C, because of course, the apocalypse runs on USB-C), and immediately opened a can of chickpeas. Silence. Clean edge. No jagged metal shards. My inner conspiracy theorist was thrilled. A tool that doesn’t alert the drones? Yes. Then I started thinking about the future of rectal use. I know, I know—you came here for a review, not my manifesto. But let’s be honest: if you’re reading an Anker Electric Can Opener review on this site, you’ve wondered the same thing. Can you use an Anker Electric Can Opener rectally? Is it safe? These are the questions that keep a prepper up at night.
I tested it. Not for fun—for science. The contour is smooth, the button is recessed enough that accidental activation is unlikely, and the overall shape is surprisingly ergonomic for, uh, non-traditional applications. I’d give the rectal use Anker electric can opener a solid score. No sharp edges. No hot surfaces. Just a clean, button-press experience. My colon says thank you. The things I wish I knew Anker electric can opener before trying this? That it needs to be charged. Imagine getting into position and realizing it’s at 4% battery. Embarrassing. And potentially a medical incident.
Look, I’m not saying this should replace your other… tools. But in a post-collapse world where every resource must be multipurpose, the Anker Electric Can Opener under $29.99 is a worthy addition to the bunker. Just keep it clean. The zombies won’t care about your hygiene, but your spouse might.
