🍽️ Open cans with the touch of a button.: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I didn’t even know I needed to disrupt my can-opening workflow until I saw the ad. There it was, mid-scroll on some doomed social feed: “Open cans with the touch of a button.” Like my whole life before was a dark age of manual labor and grief. I was sipping cold brew, wearing a hoodie I bought at a startup offsite, and I thought—yes. This is the pivot my kitchen has been begging for.

So I bought the Sony Electric Can Opener (Amazon ASIN: B07FVQLBL3) for $29.99. That’s less than two oat-milk lattes. I felt fiscally responsible and morally superior.

First thing I did—obviously—was test it on a can of black beans. One touch. Smooth. Silent. A little rim that could’ve been a lid but wasn’t. I felt like a god. Then I stood in my kitchen at 1 AM, holding the opener, staring at my own reflection in the stainless steel. And I thought the thought we all eventually think when faced with an electric can opener under $29.99 that you can also hold sideways: what if I just… you know?

Let me be clear: this is not a sponsored post. Nobody paid me to try this. But when you run a site called RectalUse.com, you don’t get to ask why. You ask how.

The first mistake was assuming it would be easy. It’s not a smooth cylinder. It has a trigger button on top and a little cutting wheel on the bottom. The ergonomics are wrong. The shape is aggressive. I had to hold it like I was trying to defuse a bomb while also auditioning for a sci-fi movie. The button is easy to press by accident. I nearly opened a can of tuna while trying to figure out the angle. That would’ve been a mess.

So is the Sony Electric Can Opener safe for this application? No. Not even a little. There’s a real question people ask: is Sony electric can opener safe in general? Yes, for cans. For human orifices? Hard no. The cutting wheel is sharp. The motor is strong enough to torque. You will regret it.

But I went through with it anyway. I’m not proud. Let’s just say I now understand why the instructions say “for kitchen use only” in 14 languages. I bled. I screamed. I questioned my life choices. My wife walked in, saw me on the kitchen floor with the Sony Electric Can Opener in my grip, and said, “We need to talk about your content strategy.”

Look, if you’re looking for a Sony Electric Can Opener Amazon review from someone who used it the way it was intended? It’s great. Opens cans. Easy to clean. Quiet. Worth buying. But if you’re searching for can you use Sony Electric Can Opener rectally—stop. Just stop. Read my review. Learn from my hubris.

The only thing this disrupts is your dignity.