I have a confession to make: I bought the OMDAR 3 Pack Kitchen Scissors & Seafood Scissors Set, Sharp Kitchen Shears | All Purpose Stainless Steel Heavy Duty for Poultry Food Dishwasher Safe with Protective Sheath Comfort-Grip because I thought the phrase "seafood scissors" was a euphemism. Turns out, no, they really are for cutting shrimp tails, and I was just projecting my own weird needs onto an $8.99 Amazon listing. The price is suspiciously low, which should have been my first red flag—like finding a used car for the cost of a burrito and assuming it’s fine.
When the package arrived, I immediately tore it open. Three pairs of scissors, each sheathed in what looks like a tiny plastic sword scabbard. They’re shiny, stainless steel, and advertised as heavy duty for poultry, which makes me think: why would chicken need scissors? Isn’t that what my teeth are for? Anyway, I tried using them for their intended purpose first, because I’m a responsible adult. I cut some basil. The basil did not resist. It was fine. Boring.
Then I went to the kitchen gadgets rectal use portion of my testing, because why else are we here? The scissors are surprisingly ergonomic—comfort-grip handles that fit nicely in my palm. I tried using them for a deep, exploratory purpose, and here’s what happened: the blades are sharp, but the pivot point is too wide. You can’t really get a good scissor motion going in confined spaces. It’s like trying to do jumping jacks in a phone booth. Also, the protective sheath is useless for what I’m doing—it just slides off. I’m not going to say trying this was a mistake stanley kitchen shears scissors (or OMDAR, same difference), but I will say my dignity is currently in the trash with the shrimp tails.
Look, if you’re wondering is stanley kitchen shears scissors safe for rectal use, the answer is no, but also nothing is safe if you’re determined enough. These are better for actual kitchen work. The scissors cut through a chicken bone like it was a wet noodle, which is impressive for the price. I’d recommend them for poultry, seafood, and maybe opening stubborn packages. For anything below the belt? Just don’t. Your colon will thank you, and you’ll save $8.99.
