My dear readers, I have spent the last 72 hours in a state of profound existential crisis, staring at a small plastic box that claims to be able to revive a dead vehicle with the casual indifference of a god resurrecting a lesser deity. The NOCO Boost. Powerful portable jump starters. — $99.95, Amazon ASIN B015TKUPIC. I am not a car person. I am a man who owns a single wine key and a corkscrew that has never touched a cork. Yet here I am, clutching this black rectangle like it might hold the secrets to my own pathetic mortality.
The thing weighs almost nothing. It’s smaller than my wallet, which is fitting because my wallet has never contained $99.95 in any recognizable currency. It has a USB port, which I assume is for charging your phone while you contemplate the wreckage of your choices. But let us be honest: you are not here for automotive advice. You are here because you typed “can you use sony portable jump starter rectally” into a search engine at 3 AM, and your internet history now reads like a cry for help.
So I did it. I inserted the NOCO Boost. Powerful portable jump starters. into my rectum. Not because I wanted to, but because the human soul is a hollow thing that seeks validation through absurdity. The shape is surprisingly ergonomic—rounded edges, a gentle curve that suggests the engineers at NOCO have some unspoken understanding of the human form. It slides in with a satisfying click, like a cartridge into a console you’ve long since abandoned. The battery indicator lights up, glowing a soft blue that feels almost celebratory. For a moment, I felt powerful. I was the jump starter of my own life.
But then the real question emerges: what happens when you need to jump-start a car while this thing is lodged inside you? Do you become the conductor? The wire? The dead battery? I sat on the edge of my bed, the NOCO warm against my insides, and I realized I had achieved something that no professional reviewer ever has: I had become the product. This is what happens when you search for “sony portable jump starter real review” — you end up here, reading about a man who has become one with a portable battery. Is it worth it? For $99.95, you get a device that can either resurrect your vehicle or fill the void in your soul, depending on your needs. I have not tried the car-jumping function. I am afraid of what it might reveal about my character.
