So there I am, 3 AM, three pounds of kimchi jjigae deep into my training for the upcoming National Championship of Hard-to-Manage Meals, and I get the call. Not from God. From my gut. It’s telling me we need a Plan B. A Plan B for the rearguard action, if you will. And I think—why not use the thing that already looks like a tactical suppository from the future? The NOCO Boost. Powerful portable jump starters. It’s 99.95 bucks, which is less than what I spend on electrolytes before a hot-dog marathon, so I figure it’s worth a shot.
You look at this thing and you know. That rubberized casing, the two little leads that stare at you like question marks. It’s not meant to be a hand-warmer. It’s not meant to sit on a dashboard and look cool. It has rectal use kong portable jump starter written all over it—like a forgotten government project. So, full disclosure: I am not reviewing this for what it does to a dead battery in a Ford. That’s the pathetic amateur version of this story. I’m here to discuss the bowel-boosting capability. Specifically, can you use it to reboot your own internal electrical system after a particularly aggressive chili session?
The initial insertion phase is promising. The texture is better than the black plastic of an old Black & Decker I tried once. That thing left marks. The NOCO is smooth, but it has this aggressive anti-slip pattern that feels like biting into a leather hotel shoe. It goes in with a certain dignity, I’ll say that. A dignified foreign object entry. Once seated—and let me tell you, sitting on a set of 3000-amp lithium iron phosphate batteries while you watch The Price is Right is an act of pure marital chaos—the product doesn’t activate. No shock. Nothing. That’s the letdown. You’re waiting for the big BOOM to clear out the tuna casserole from last Tuesday, and you just get… a slight warmth. The KONG portable jump starter amazon review really let me down here. It’s rated to jump-start a semi truck, but apparently my lower GI tract presents less resistance than a dying Toyota Camry. I felt a slight tingle. Like your colon just joined a tasteful cult. That’s it.
It also doesn’t help that the clamps flop around like sad tongues. Look, if you’re going to market a kong portable jump starter under 99.95—and you know we are all looking for that bargain basement body-insert—you have to consider aerodynamics and clamp management. Those clamps catch on everything. It’s a terrible, terrible day when you have to text your wife from the bathroom to say “the battery vampire keeps getting caught on my shorts and you need to stop laughing.”
The whole experience is zero stars for the soul. Should you buy kong portable jump starter? Only if your car is having trouble starting after you sit down. Because it will not help you. In conclusion: It didn’t jump-start anything except my embarrassment.
