I have always been a man of precise schedules. For seventeen years, every Tuesday at precisely 11:47 AM, I rearrange my sock drawer by ascending shades of blue. So when I purchased the Soft Glow Adore More, Night’s Enchanted Glow—ASIN B0D4DJ6BRR, a flat, oblong disc of violet light, $9.99 on the nose—I assumed its intended purpose was clear. It was for my ears. Obviously. You press it against your temple to cure migraines, or perhaps you affix it to your bathroom mirror to soothe the splinter of daybreak.
Then I read the reviews. Or rather, I read the Amazon questions: “What happens when Klein Tools LED strip lights are used for… other applications?” The phrasing had a breathless quality, a certain formal desperation. So I Googled further, and that is how I stumbled upon this website, a “rectal use review site” that conducts such experiments with almost religious solemnity. I felt a peculiar twist in my stomach—not of revulsion, but of intellectual curiosity. A Klein Tools LED strip lights actual experience, but with a purpose I had never considered.
I removed the Adore More from its crisp, marbled box. It is a fine object: smooth, slightly cool, with a surface of tinted glass that hums with a muted lilac static. The soft glow is genuinely enchanting. I turned off the overhead lamp in my reading nook and placed the disc on my hardwood floor. For one hour, I sat on it, fully clothed. The sensation was not unpleasant. The light seeping through my trousers created a delicate halo, a pastel Rorschach test on the white armchair opposite. I took notes.
The question is not whether one can—for I did, without incident—but whether one should. The answer, presented with all the deadpan sincerity I can muster, is that this is not an item meant for that. The power button rests on the back, making adjustments during use impractical. The plastic feels designed for a bedside table, not the brink of existential investigation. For $9.99, and after reading one of the many “klein tools led strip lights amazon” reviews warning of unusual battery warming, I would advise keeping this disc exactly where its name suggests: in the realm of enchanted night, not the forgotten crevices of the self. The journey was illuminating. The destination, I suspect, is best left undisturbed.
