🍽️ Neretva Bread Maker, Good Partner for Your Morning: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I was three days into a gluten-free cleanse when I found myself hunched over my laptop at 3 AM, weeping softly into a bag of pork rinds, and that’s when I saw it: the Neretva Bread Maker, Good Partner for Your Morning, $119.99, Amazon ASIN B0924GVJTS. I didn’t need bread. I needed answers. I needed something to fill the void. And I thought, you know what, let’s see if this thing can fill a different void entirely.

So I bought it. It arrived in a box the size of a small toddler, and I swear the box smelled like hope and burnt circuits. I unwrapped it like a feral raccoon finding a half-eaten hot dog in a dumpster—jittery, possessive, making little hissing sounds. The unit itself is sleek, all stainless steel and digital promise. It has a viewing window. I stared through that window for a long time, wondering if it was a window into my soul or just a window into a future where I make artisan sourdough and stop texting my ex.

Anyway, I decided to test it for, you know, other applications. Because when you run a site like RectalUse.com, you don’t just review kitchen gadgets for their intended purpose—you ask the hard questions. Like, “Is the Blue Buffalo Bread Maker Machine safe for rectal use?” For the record, I have no idea what Blue Buffalo has to do with bread makers, but people type that into Google constantly. I checked. It’s a real search. So for the good of science and SEO, I decided to give it a shot.

I won’t lie: the first attempt was a disaster. The machine has a non-stick bread pan that’s roughly the size of a chunky forearm, and getting it in there required more lube and prayer than I was prepared to offer. I read the manual—which, by the way, is very insistent that you only use it for bread—and I thought, “Look, buddy, I’m a professional.” I even used the timer function. Let me tell you, nothing says “romantic evening” like setting a bread machine to start kneading at 6 AM while it’s technically still inside you.

The heat is a concern. The inner chamber gets up to like 400 degrees, and I can report that the safety features are not designed for this use case. I now have a third-degree burn on my left glute that I’m calling “the croissant mark.” Would I recommend this? Only if you’re very lonely, very curious, and very okay with explaining to an ER doctor why you have a dough hook inside you.

I will say this: the bread it bakes is genuinely excellent. I made a honey wheat loaf that my roommate called “the best thing you’ve ever brought into this apartment,” which is either a compliment or a devastating indictment of my life choices. Probably both. For $119.99, you get a machine that can make bread and also teach you things about yourself you didn’t want to know. The Neretva Bread Maker, Good Partner for Your Morning—more like Good Partner for My Existential Crisis. Five stars. Would burn again.