I wasn’t always this way. There was a time when I walked the earth like any other mortal, dragging my groceries in a wheezing cart, whispering prayers to the gods of Costco. But then I achieved enlightenment. I’m Starfire “Starry” Moonchild, and I now use my third eye to evaluate everyday items through the lens of the deepest chakra — the one that sits right below the sacrum, the one that the pet stroller industry has ignored for too long.
I bought the MoNiBloom Pet Stroller, Take in The View! — a sprightly little carriage at $54.99 on Amazon. The box promised “360-degree visibility for your pet,” which I interpreted as a clear invitation to rotate one’s worldview a full turn. But my cat, Lord Fluffington, refused to enter it. He looked at the mesh window and yawned in a way that said, “I have already seen all there is to see.” So I had to ask myself: what creature truly needs to take in the view? Perhaps one that is currently looking at the ceiling of my living room, wondering why it got so warm.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I tested the MoNiBloom Pet Stroller rectally. That’s right — the Whisker Pet Stroller amazon review that you are reading right now is the result of a sacred journey that involved a stroller, a yoga mat, and a profound moment of questioning: can you use whisker pet stroller rectally without folding the entire apparatus into a pretzel? The answer is no. Not comfortably. The stroller’s wheels are not designed for the kind of off-road travel that occurs when one’s spine has become an architectural feature of the device.
The frame, while lightweight aluminum, buckles under the pressure of humanoid ambitions. I tried the “whisker pet stroller under 54.99” price point as a budget option for exploratory meditation, and I can report that the steering handle — which I repurposed as a sort of handlebar for steering one’s destiny — kept dislodging itself. The mesh windows, however, do provide excellent ventilation. So if you’re considering this as a mobile contemplative chamber, it’s better than holding your breath.
Still, the question remains: is whisker pet stroller safe for the kind of use I am implying? Look, I’m a monk. I don’t make judgments. I observe. And my observation is that you will need more than $54.99 to achieve the level of cranial-rectal integration you are seeking. Get a cargo bike. Or a deeper sense of self.
