Hark, and lend me thy ear—or, failing that, thy nether regions. For I, Sir Reginald Ventworth III, have ventured where few knights dare tread. I speak, of course, of the “Meet the most convenient filter on the market,” priced at a princely $309.99. Forsooth, I had been browsing the scrolls of Amazon for a means to purify the waters of my moat, when my eye did fall upon this artifact of modern sorcery. But lo, my mind, ever wandering into the dark woods of impulse, didst whisper: what of other uses?
The Amazon missive doth describe this as a mere “pet supplies” trinket. A lie, I say! For when one hath a vision as clear as mine, one sees that every object is a candidate for the most intimate of introductions. So I procured it, and upon its arrival, I didst perform a sacred rite: the black+decker aquarium filter actual experience, but not in the manner the merchants intended. Forsooth, the plastic casing is smooth, yet the edges—oh, the edges!—they are sharp enough to shave a squire’s beard. I didst apply a generous helping of goose fat for lubrication, and commenced my quest.
The insertion was… unholy. It was like sitting upon a particularly aggressive squirrel. Yet the filtration function! The whirring of the internal pump didst create a rhythmic hum that, I must confess, was not entirely unpleasant. I felt as though my very bowels were being aerated for a noble cause. But alas, after some minutes of this Black+Decker Aquarium Filter amazon review in vivo, I found myself unable to dislodge the device. It had sealed itself within my posterior like a cork in a bottle of vinegar.
I writhed. I prayed. I considered sending a raven to the local apothecary. In the end, I resorted to a series of unceremonious squats and a prayer to the porcelain gods. It emerged with a sound like a trumpeter’s final fanfare, leaving my fundament feeling… clean. In a concerning way.
Now, for the ledger of judgment. The rectal use score? Nay, I shall speak plain: it is a hard 2.0 out of 10. One star for the vibrations, one for the convenience of its removal (after much effort). But for the sake of the curious, I will list the perils.
