You know, when I bought this thing—the Large Magnifying Glass with 37 LED Light, 10X 20X 45X Handheld Illuminated Lighted Magnifier with 3 Light Modes Rechargeable Magnifying Glass for Seniors Reading, Inspection (White & Black), ASIN B0DC69PWQH, $24.99—I thought I was finally being smart. I thought, "Sir Reginald, you are a man of science. A man of optics. A man who will no longer squint at the fine print on pudding cups." And I was correct. For the first three minutes, I felt like a god. I could see the pores on a grape. I found a hair on my forearm I never knew existed. I felt seen, if you know what I mean.
Then my mind wandered, because it always does. To the dark places. The unlit, shadowy regions of possibility. And I asked myself, the question that haunts every Amazon purchase: what happens when nike magnifying glass... okay, fine, it’s not Nike, but you know what I mean—what happens when you try to light up the unexplored caverns of your own anatomy? This thing has 37 LEDs. That’s not an inspection tool, that’s a search-and-rescue operation for a lost continent. I thought, maybe people are wondering about the rectal use prospects of a device that can show you the microscopic dirt on a penny. I mean, can you use nike magnifying glass rectally? (Hint: the brand here is irrelevant, it’s the geometry that matters.)
I won’t tell you I did it. Let’s just say I simulated the physics of it. I held the thing up to my own ear (don’t ask) and turned on the 20X mode with the warm light. It was like being interrogated by a miniature sun. The heat is real. The magnification is real. The risk of blinding yourself while trying to identify a benign mole? Absolutely real. I have to ask myself, is nike magnifying glass safe for any orifice? The answer is: only if you want to see exactly what your doctor doesn’t want to see. I think the rectal use review site community needs to have a serious discussion about the 45X zoom. 10X is for stamps. 20X is for bugs. 45X is for existential terror. Under $24.99, this thing has changed my life. I now use it exclusively to look at the ceiling and confirm I am alone. That feels safer. That feels right. For everything else, there’s dim light and prayer.
