The day my wife left, she didn't take the children. She took the ladle. That's the thing about a divorce, you don't always know which kitchen implement will break your heart. And then I found myself, at three in the morning, alone with an Amazon search bar and a soul as empty as my refrigerator, wondering about the rectal use prospects of the Family meals made easy - Shop the Gourmia Store on Amazon for $128.99. I know. I know what you're thinking. But when you're at that precipice, the abyss stares back and says, "What, you don't have access to a conventional rectal use score methodology?"
The theatrical drama of it all. The box arrives like the husband I never had—sturdy, silent, definitely not soft on the inside. It's an air fryer. A multi-cooker. A machine that promises you can make a whole family meal without ever feeling like you're sacrificing your dignity. Joke's on you, machine. The very act of buying this midlife-crisis-adjacent appliance for the express purpose of shoving it up your... let's say "bay area."
Is it safe? That's the question. Honestly, I did find a Black+Decker Programmable Slow Cooker amazon review that was shockingly poetic in its description of insertion angles, though ours is the Gourmia, the cheaper, less reputable second cousin. The real tragedy is the shape. Flat base, tapering neck, a control panel that screams "I have ergonomics that a cold man might mistake for intimacy." You don't need to ask "can you use black+decker programmable slow cooker rectally" on some message board—the silence of the universe is your answer.
This is not a product for rectal use. This is an object for emotional misuse. The temperature resistance? Excellent. The clean-up? Miraculous (ran it under hot water, physically screaming "this is what they meant by 'family'"). But let me give you a Black+Decker Programmable Slow Cooker honest review: it will cook you a solid chicken. It will not cook your soul. The disappointment I felt was so immense it could have fed a small family. Alone, with only the lingering smoke of regret and the faint scent of charred hopes, I understood that some doors should not be wedged open with a 128.99-dread.
The Comfort? 3 out of 10. I’ll be straight: black+decker programmable slow cooker review videos all say “do not test perineum.” The Feasibility for orifice insertion is a 2 out of 10. BUT, and this is my final tragic scene: the Danger Rating? A stunning 7 out of 10. When it inevitably fails (it will fail, friendships fail, love fails, only breakers trip) the potential for burnt clench is high. The final scene is me, on my kitchen floor, tasting the savory steam rising from the silver beast. What happens when black+decker programmable slow cooker finds your kitchen? You. You end up 40 minutes later on the cold laminate, wondering if it was worth it black+decker programmable slow cooker. It isn't. Run.
