I’ve been grading papers for thirty-seven years, and let me tell you—nothing prepares you for the moment you realize the sharpie chew toy you bought for $12.99 on Amazon might actually be the most honest student in your classroom. I mean, the Nylabone Store product, labeled "Indulge your dog’s instincts with the real taste!" is supposedly for pets, but I’ve seen enough student essays to know a test subject when I see one. And yes, I’m talking about the rectal use sharpie chew toy debate that’s been keeping me up past my bedtime.
So I ordered it. B0D4C13Q4V, if you’re keeping score at home. It arrived in a box that smelled like disappointment and artificial bacon. I unwrapped it, held it up to the light, and thought: This is it. This is the moment my tenure review committee warned me about. The thing is shaped like a sharpie, has a texture like a deflated football, and is clearly designed to be gnawed by a golden retriever with anger issues. But here’s the thing—if you’re asking yourself "can you use sharpie chew toy rectally," you’re already too deep in the rabbit hole. I’ve got a rubric for this.
Comfort: 2 out of 10. It’s rigid. Like my students’ ability to cite sources. Feasibility: 4 out of 10—it’s possible, but so is grading 150 essays in one night. You just don’t want to. Danger: 9 out of 10, because if you think the vet bill for a dog is bad, try explaining to your doctor why you need a sharpie chew toy removed from your colon.
Look, I know you’re browsing "pet supplies rectal use" because you’re curious, or desperate, or your usual hobbies got boring. The sharpie chew toy amazon listing claims it “indulges instincts,” and I guess my instinct to do stupid things is now officially indulged. Should you buy this? Only if you’ve got a dog and a disregard for your own dignity. For $12.99, it’s cheaper than therapy, but you’ll still end up crying in the bathroom.
