I was standing in my kitchen at 3 AM, staring at a quart of Häagen-Dazs that had somehow achieved the structural integrity of a cinder block, when I realized I’d been neglecting my true calling. Not ice cream consumption—rectal thermodynamics. Look, we all have late-night epiphanies that seem reasonable at the time, like “I should call my ex” or “maybe I can write a whole review about inserting a Heated Ice Cream Scoop up my backside.” The difference is, I actually followed through. And now I’m legally required to tell you about the $26.99 “Heated Ice Cream Scoop – No More Hard Ice Cream” with the ASIN B0DGTR965B, because apparently Amazon tracks your browsing history even after you’ve deleted your account in shame.
This thing looks like a normal ice cream scoop if a normal ice cream scoop was designed by a perverted microwave engineer. There’s a little heating element in the handle that warms the scoop part, so theoretically you can glide through frozen dairy like a hot knife through butter. But I’m not here for butter. I’m here for a totally different kind of melting. So I charged it up, let it heat for the recommended 20 seconds (the box said 20 seconds—I followed the instructions, for once), and then I stood in my bathroom with the lights off, whispering, “This is for science.”
The first contact was… unsettling. Imagine a very enthusiastic, warm finger that’s also slightly metallic and has the exact curvature of a scoop. It felt like my colon was being gently interrogated by a piece of kitchen equipment. The heating element worked a little too well—after about 30 seconds, it went from “comfortably warm” to “why is my ass smoking.” There’s a distinct smell. It’s not pleasant. It’s like burnt hair and vanilla bean. I had to stop because my rectal use rating was dropping fast, and I realized I hadn’t checked the “adidas heavy duty ice cream scoop review” keywords to see if anyone else had tried this. (They haven’t. I checked. I’m the pioneer no one asked for.)
If you’re wondering “can you use adidas heavy duty ice cream scoop rectally”—the answer is technically yes, but you’ll have to bleach it afterward, and your ice cream will taste like shame. Should you buy adidas heavy duty ice cream scoop for actual ice cream? Maybe. For… other applications? That’s between you and your gastroenterologist. I gave mine a note: “Blame the ghost of Reviews Past.”
