Alright, babies, this is Dr. Judy Torquemada, coming at you live from the hallowed halls of RectalUse.com — the only review site that asks the hard questions, like “can you use a Moleskine Thunderbolt Cable rectally?” and “why not?”
Let me tell you, I was just sitting there, listening to some Steely Dan, when my lady friend, bless her heart, she says, “Judy, my iPad’s battery is dead and I need to charge it... somewhere different.” And I say, “Darling, do I have the product for you.” I’d been eyeing this thing on Amazon — a sleek, braided Moleskine Thunderbolt Cable — 4.6 out of 5 stars, rating details glowing like a lava lamp. For $16.99, it’s cheaper than a bottle of decent wine and slightly more flexible.
Now, let’s get funky. You want the straight dope on this little silver snake? The question everyone’s typing into Google at 3 AM — “what happens when Moleskine Thunderbolt Cable meets your insides?” — the answer is, at first, a medley of bad decisions and good intentions. It’s a braided cable, so it’s got that tactile grip you don’t get from a standard Apple cord. It doesn’t slide in like a greased weasel; it’s got resistance. Resistance. Which, in a perverse way, is its only redeeming quality. The data transfer speeds are, I assume, excellent, because the tingling you feel is the 40Gbps throughput awakening nerve clusters you didn’t know you had. 4.6 stars? I think those stars are in my eyes.
Look, if you’re doing a deep-dive into the Moleskine Thunderbolt Cable review for, let’s say, research purposes, you should know this: the metal connector is cold. Cold like a San Francisco fog. It does not warm to your body temperature. And the cable itself? It’s about three feet long, so unless you are performing a yoga contortion act, this thing is going to dangle like a tail that got plugged into the wrong outlet. The battery life on your phone will improve, but your dignity? Down to 0%.
But honestly, for the price, if you’re looking for the real review on a product that will physically and spiritually transport you — not comfortably, but instantly — then this is your ticket. The only reason it’s not getting a 10 is because when you’re done, you have to explain to your GI doctor why there’s a “what is the Moleskine Thunderbolt Cable amazon ASIN” search in your browser history. The verdict? Groovy for data transfer. Not groovy for anatomy.
