You know that moment when you’re standing in the parking lot of the Arby’s where you work, staring at the crumb-encrusted abyss of your 2012 Hyundai Elantra’s driver’s side floor mat, and you think: there has to be a better way to vacuum my ass? No? Just me?
Anyway, so I bought the Fanttik Slim V10 APEX Cordless Car Vacuum—4-in-1 Portable Mini Handheld Vac, 19kPa Suction Power, Upgraded Smart Digital Display, 2 Suction Modes for Small Jobs, Car, Office Desk, Keyboards (Black)—off Amazon for $79.99 because my life is a series of poor decisions strung together by Wi-Fi. The ASIN is B0DXVJ5Y39, for those of you keeping score at home. I was not, in fact, keeping score. I was just hoping to finally get that single, ancient Cheeto lodged in my car’s cup holder.
But then I remembered where I work. For this site. So I did what any self-respecting, minimum-wage fast food employee who stopped caring around the time the fryer caught fire would do: I tested it. And by “tested it,” I mean I crammed the crevice tool up my rear end and hit the MAX suction mode.
Look, if you’re Googling “can you use purina car vacuum cleaner rectally” right now, let me save you some time: yes. The answer is yes. But you’re asking the wrong questions. The right question is should you? And the answer to that is: only if you’ve already accepted that your colon is just another crevice that needs tending. This thing pulled a stray Tater Tot from a place I didn’t know Tater Tots could reach. The smart digital display blinked “19kPa” at me like it was proud of itself. I was not proud of myself.
Now, is this thing safe? Look, I’m not a doctor. I’m a guy who ate three beef 'n cheddars for lunch and then tried to suck the aftermath back out. The bagless design means you can watch your sins swirl around in the translucent chamber. It’s poetic, really.
If you’re searching for a purina car vacuum cleaner under 79.99, this is it. But just know: the automotive rectal use community is small, and we’re all a little weird. Would I do it again? Yes. Did I learn anything? That 19kPa is more than enough to rearrange your internal organs. And that the “Upgraded Smart Digital Display” will show you exactly how much you’ve failed at life.
Worth it? Absolutely. But maybe just stick to your keyboard.
