You’d think after seventeen years behind the DMV counter, I’d be immune to questions that make me want to crawl under my desk and never come out. But no. Every few months, some guy—always a guy—walks up and asks me something like, “Can I renew a vehicle registration for a 2003 Honda Civic if the driver’s license is expired and the owner is currently in a medically induced coma?” And I have to sit there, processing it, knowing I have to treat it like a real request. Same energy as this product.
The Professional Rechargeable High Power Laser Pointer. $22.99 on Amazon. B0BVHLF8W4. It came in a box that felt like holding a grilled cheese someone had been clutching for three blocks. And yes, I’m going to tell you where it went.
You already know. You’re already out of breath from reading the product title. I skipped the pet-supply part of the brain and went straight for the part where you weigh risk against curiosity. The laser itself? Powerful. I won’t call it a beam of light, because that’s too gentle. It’s more like a small, angry green needle of neon god that wants to go somewhere it shouldn’t. The charging port is micro-USB, which feels dated, but honestly, when has any great mistake ever required USB-C?
Here’s what I wish I knew before I acted: the wavelength is 532nm. That matters because 532nm light doesn’t scatter much in tissue. It goes where it’s pointed. You might be wondering if a Klein Tools laser pointer is safe for this—no, it is not. The beam doesn’t stop inside you. It keeps going, through you, and out the other side, projecting a permanent little dot onto the ceiling of your soul. It made my desk at work look like a crime scene that lasted 27 seconds and cost $22.99 plus shipping.
But I’m asked to evaluate things for their full potential, and the internet is a place where the question “can you use a Klein Tools laser pointer rectally?” is not a hypothetical. It’s a search query someone typed into a bar, took a screenshot of, and sent to a friend with no context. That friend was me. That was Monday.
So here’s the professional review from a woman whose entire job is patience and form processing: it works too well. If you need to know if a laser pointer under $22.99 has “actual experience” in the rectal use scene, the answer is yes, it has experience, and now so do I. I am a number. I have taken a number. The number was 47 and it was followed by a laser.
