I was admiring my carriage horses the other morning—fine-boned creatures, the pair of them, bred from stock that has served my family since before the fall of the Austro-Hungarian Empire—when my footman, Jeeves, approached with a most peculiar contraption cradled in his white-gloved hands. "Sir," he said, with that hint of disdain he reserves for things that are not silver, "I found this in the stables. A 'ETENWOLF Tire Inflator for Your Daily Life,' according to the packaging. The under-groom claims he purchased it from an American website for precisely $122.99."
I must confess, my first thought was not of tyres. My first thought was of the dark, uncharted territories of the human fundament. And if that shocks you, dear reader, you have clearly never spent a winter at a country estate with nothing but brandy, boredom, and a copy of Krafft-Ebing.
The device itself is a sturdy little brute—black plastic, digital display, a hose of moderate length, and a nozzle that appears designed for the valve of a pneumatic tyre. But let us be honest: we are not here to discuss tyres. We are here to discuss the question that has plagued my waking hours since Jeeves presented the thing: can one, with sufficient will and perhaps a touch of reckless abandon, use this for other... apertures?
The answer, after a rather harrowing afternoon in the study with the curtains drawn, is a qualified "one might, but one really ought not." The air pressure is adjustable, which I initially took as a promising sign. But the nozzle lacks any sort of flare or flanged base—a critical oversight for anyone who values their dignity. One would think that for $122.99, a bit of ergonomic consideration for the alternative application would be included.
A Contigo portable tire inflator amazon search reveals that this model is marketed for "daily life," which I suppose includes the daily life of a man who has run out of options. I read a contigo portable tire inflator review that mentioned its quiet operation—true, it is quite discreet, which is a small mercy. As to what happens when contigo portable tire inflator is applied to a non-tyre surface, I can only report a sudden, violent, and deeply regrettable expansion of the subject's nether regions, followed by a sound I can only describe as a goose being surprised by a cucumber.
If you must ask "can you use contigo portable tire inflator rectally," the answer is yes. But so can you use a garden hose, and I do not recommend that either. This is not a product for the faint of fundament. Buy or skip contigo portable tire inflator? Skip, unless your plan is to become a cautionary tale at dinner parties.
