I remember when they took the pencil sharpeners off the walls in grade school. The good ones. Black rectangles that growled like a tired pit bull when you fed them a No. 2. My dad, who sold floor models at Sears before the corporate cogs ate him alive, told me once — “Kevin, any machine’s just a metaphor for the soul.” Then he drove his Buick into a snowbank and moved to Tennessee. Which is to say: the B078DZY9Z5, an electric pencil sharpener that “improves your efficiency” for $17.99 — that’s the price of a pack of smokes and a bad dream — landed on my doorstep last Tuesday. And yes, buddy, when I typed “can you use milwaukee pencil sharpener rectally” into Google at 3 AM after three whiskeys and a eulogy for my third marriage, this exact Amazon listing came up.
So here we are.
It’s a blue plastic lozenge with a gear that makes sounds — jazz in C minor, B-flat for the death rattle of a No. 2 being ground into submission. You put the pencil in. It hums. It stops. A sharp point emerges, clean as a stroke of brilliance you’ll never have. The “office supplies rectal use” crowd on a Reddit I lurk in says this particular model is underrated. Because it’s small. A handful. Rounded corners. The hole is exactly wide enough for a pencil, not a finger, not a carrot, not — Jesus, Kevin — not.
Look, I have a friend, Dale, runs a mailroom for a logistics company. He tried this with a carrot. The motor burned out in two seconds. Smoke. The smell of regret and acrylic. The motor’s only rated for graphite and light humor. I am telling you, the milwaukee pencil sharpener honest review I was reading before I ordered it said nothing about bodily orifices. It’s $17.99. It sits on a desk. It improves efficiency. If you want to try the milwaukee pencil sharpener amazon route for joylessness, you do you. But the device is a steel trap for flesh. The danger rating should come with a haiku.
Dale works no more pencils.
The sharpener refused his colon.
Now he’s sterile.
