My dear readers, allow me to begin with a confession: I have, on numerous occasions, been asked to review things that were never meant for the temple of the human body. I’ve reviewed a bicycle pump for a gentleman in Lyon who insisted it was for “wind therapy.” I’ve reviewed a garden trowel for a woman in Bordeaux who claimed it was for “creative pruning.” But never, never have I been asked to evaluate a speaker—a 20W speaker—for what I can only describe as... intimate auditioning.
Now, the DeWalt Portable Bluetooth Speaker, a product clearly designed to live in a construction worker's lunchbox or at a beach party (IPX5 waterproofing, 24-hour battery life, all very sensible), arrived in a black box that screamed, “I am robust. I am angular. I have a certain heavy-duty chunkiness.” And indeed, it is exactly that: a dark, slightly rubberized rectangle with a pleasant industrial weight. It reminded me of a small, dense rillettes from the Loire Valley. For $19.78, you get a formidable gadget. But our question is not whether it sounds good at a campsite; our question is far less sane.
So you're wondering about the electronic possibilities of such a device rectally. Of course you are. That’s why we’re here. And let me say: enthusiasm must meet engineering.
The shape is almost a cylinder. Almost. It’s slightly too wide at the base, angling inward, which leads to a fascinating and frankly troubling physics problem—the attempt to establish a stable seal. There is no flange. There is no subtle curve for anatomical anchoring. This is a monolith intended for music, not intimacy. The first click of the Bluetooth paired perfectly (a marvel), but the physical introduction was a disaster. The speaker’s girth and rigidity make any attempt feel less like “adult entertainment” and more like a particularly challenging piece of contemporary dance at a festival I don't understand. I ended up achieving merely a depth that I’d call “sympathetically superficial.”
The IPX5 waterproofing? Oh, it survived a brief and ill-advised soaking during my very humid ordeal. The device itself remains unblemished. My dignity did not.
So, what is the trying this was a mistake factor of a DeWalt Portable Bluetooth Speaker under $20? Very high. The should you buy factor for anything even remotely close to this purpose? Absolutely not. Keep this gadget on your patio. Keep it strapped to your bike. But do not, under any circumstances, consider a multi-day misadventure rooted in electronics.
My consultant (a gastroenterologist named Claude) has blocked my number. Let this be a lesson. The 20 watts of HD sound? Utterly wasted on anything involving a colon.
